Using Jealousy

Some days I just can’t summon the strength to not stalk that woman I stalk on Instagram when I’m feeling insecure. I’ve told myself it’s off limits a million times. It is a bad thing. You are a petty and jealous person. You shouldn’t care about her.
It’s like this quasi-forbidden thing because no one’s actually forbidden my looking at her page but me.  So, unfortunately, it now gets me excited to think about looking at her page. Like I’m doing something truly naughty. (Just to be clear she has a public Instagram page. There is decidedly nothing inherently wrong with this behavior.) Regardless, afterward I feel guilty and sheepish. And altogether worse about myself.
But then again, this also happens: I start thinking about all the things I could do to be better. Bitch, I’ll be better than you in every way some day.
….Of course I won’t be better than her if I continue to have a gross and vindictive attitude. But maybe sometimes the ends do justify the means. Maybe it’s not so bad to stalk her. She does light a real fire…
Because the next day I woke up and went for a three mile run. Without the (future) husband. He’s usually good about getting up with me but he was leaving for a work trip and there was no way he was getting up at 5:45 to go on that run. I usually stay in bed if he’s not going to come with me and I can usually tell when he’s going to stay in bed, just intuitively. And then I yield to his sleepiness, wrap my legs around him and fall back into sleep. There is nothing better than drifting back into sleep on a sunny summer morning.
But I didn’t that day. I got up and ran and then after work I went to yoga. Overall, it was a suprisingly healthy day.
So maybe if this woman gets me running and writing and meditating and (maybe) kick starts every good habit there is until I’m sitting on an enlightened throne somewhere in the multiverse… maybe in the end my past sins of stalking her and feeling sorry for myself will pale in comparison to the vast glory of my perfection. Maybe my fascination with her will fall away at some point on this journey. Maybe I just need her right now.

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